from a bird's eye view

things have been coming up lately that i think mean someone is trying to send me a message. little things, that add up into one big message. let's review:


--Jason Mraz is hosting a photo contest that best displays what you "Won't Give Up" on. that got me to thinking, do i actually have something i won't give up on? am i that passionate about something i can take a picture of? now, me and Jason go way back. we first met when "You and I Both" played in the Starbucks i worked at around Valentine's Day. then he was reintroduced to me freshman year of Belmont when i bought Mr. A-Z. honestly, he felt like an old friend had joined me during this first independent experience of college, and his voice was a great comfort. and yeah, things that happened freshman year always seem to have the biggest impact. 


all that to say, mr. mraz always catches my attention. 


--a new coworker of mine, while talking about the amazing work he does with spray paint, said something akin to "whatever it is that you do that you put all your dedication and passion into, to me that is art". once again, i am dumbstruck: 


what in the world am i passionate about? 


i'm at a point where things are somewhat stable, working towards the ultimate goal of being independent, but to what end? i swear, this question keeps haunting me and i need to find an answer. i know that i will never personally be satisfied by making a ton of money and living large. i know i want to have the capacity to give back. 


from my brief time in foster care, i saw how the system fails so many. yes, the people who work there are very caring, like my case worker Tim. i'll never forget him. he had the horrible task of eventually splitting up my sister and me. but i also saw how a lot of the foster parents were more concerned about how much money they got for having older children in their care. i was 11, and i can't even remember who told me, but apparently certain homes only took children who were teenagers because they got more money. what a horrible way to let a child know what they are worth. especially since i was rejected from homes because of my age and forced to move to a new school district. that has left its scars. 


so now, i determine my worth. and i think i've been doing a disservice to myself for not valuing who i am and what i can do. i need to give MYSELF the best chance possible, in order to help other children do the same. no child should ever feel like they're not worth the hassle. so here's to an exploration of how i can use my God-given talents. it's intimidating, but i just gotta.