Something old

here is my list of regrets for 2011: 


1. i wish i had taken the time to get to know my co-workers outside of work. i was so wrapped up in myself, i didn't try to make a connection with anyone. i really wish i had hung out more, talked to more, and simply made more of an effort to be a friend to the people i worked with at Mike's Ice Cream. I worked with some amazingly awesome people. 


2. i wish i had been more conscience of how i treated my body and the junk food i put into it. the beginning of last year was the perfect time in my life to make the change i want to see and become healthier. instead, i now have more to fix. 


3. and last, i wish i was less wishing and talking about what i wanted and more doing. i was (and still am) constantly talking about what i'd do if i won the lottery, if i only had a car, if i had an amazing dream job...i don't even have an excuse for this one, i was just afraid to try. 


i wanted to make this list so i can have a clear mindset of what i've done and what i can do to change it. and then forget about it. i don't like to wallow in regrets, that just creates a fear of messing up again. and then i'd end up doing nothing. and you know what? i imagine myself as a brave person, but i don't do much to convince me of it. even though most of my life has been pretty unstable, i purposefully create that environment for myself. i don't crave stability, i enjoy the constant shifting atmosphere--as uncomfortable as things may get. even though i find myself envying those who have things i've always wanted: 


a mother and father who love and care about their children and are always there for them


a childhood full of dance classes, karate lessons, hanging out with the neighborhood kids, family vacations, home videos, and stories of getting into really bad trouble that can be laughed at now


a confident nature that allows me to be myself without the debilitating fear of rejection 


i still know how i want my life to be, in theory. i want to let go of the past and continue to create the life i dream of and be the person i see in my mind's eye. i think it's funny that i look in the mirror and am surprised, because that is not how i imagined myself at all. i imagine myself beautiful, confident and ambitious. but the demon hovering over me puts a girl in the mirror who doesn't have what it takes and doesn't even deserve it--it tries to tell me that's how the world sees me. i should stop looking in mirrors. instead, it's time to get going on the life i see in my mind: 


working to secure my future, taking pride in every single tiny step along the way


creating memories now, taking advantage of whatever comes my way


displaying the confidence i crave, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: act confident until i become confident. 


i know what i want. as soon as i stop holding myself back, i can make this happen.