Even though a lot has happened in the past few months, there are still things to do on my list. One of them being to develop the ability to make people smile. I would love to posses the skill to start turning a bad day around and help people see they have a lot to smile about. but that is still a skill I need to perfect in myself. and honestly, it's not hard to see at the moment everything I can smile about:
--Moved from Chicagoland to Burbank, CA three months ago
--Started at Warner Bros. a month and a half ago, and I love it
--Going to an amazing concert in a month for free for helping a great cause
--Realizing that I have a lot of potential and a lot to contribute to this world
That last one has been a long time coming. but I'm finally starting to see myself as others do, and valuing myself--instead of seeing the messed--up little girl with the world against her. Even though there are still issues to be dealt with, life is pretty great right now. And I'm really looking to see how I can give back to the universe around me. So now I work on making people smile :)
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
take a chance take a chance
there are a few things in my life that give me butterflies in my belly. and the fact that they are reoccurring just adds to the excitement. here's the most recent one.
the mere IDEA of going on tour with Jason Mraz.
at first, i heard about the tour and was searching for tickets. then i saw that he goes from Nashville to Maryland, two places that used to be home. and that sparks the idea of working on the tour, doing whatever i can to be a part of the production.
i started thinking of how my request would go,
"Hey Jason, I was wondering if you needed any more help on the US tour? Yeah, i don't have any specific skills, but i'm super helpful and willing to fill whatever roles you need. Oh, and can my boyfriend and our dog come too? they're super nice, my boyfriend's great with numbers and our dog is the sweetest in the world. Yeah, so you'll let me know?"
that would be the absolute greatest dream come true. like winning the lottery, but being paid in life experiences rather than cash.
then i started thinking about how when we're on tour and stop in Nashville, we can all go get ice cream at my old job, take a picture with my former boss, that sort of thing.
and then when we're in Maryland my family can meet me at the show and we can all watch from backstage, and they can finally see first hand how all of my big risks have finally paid off. i'm no longer a silly little girl chasing after fame and fortune and the glamourous life. that i'm not a fool for moving so far and being so deep in debt. prove that despite the odds always being against me, i made it.
i think that may be the better dream. maybe i should take bigger risks and ask Jason for real.
the mere IDEA of going on tour with Jason Mraz.
at first, i heard about the tour and was searching for tickets. then i saw that he goes from Nashville to Maryland, two places that used to be home. and that sparks the idea of working on the tour, doing whatever i can to be a part of the production.
i started thinking of how my request would go,
"Hey Jason, I was wondering if you needed any more help on the US tour? Yeah, i don't have any specific skills, but i'm super helpful and willing to fill whatever roles you need. Oh, and can my boyfriend and our dog come too? they're super nice, my boyfriend's great with numbers and our dog is the sweetest in the world. Yeah, so you'll let me know?"
that would be the absolute greatest dream come true. like winning the lottery, but being paid in life experiences rather than cash.
then i started thinking about how when we're on tour and stop in Nashville, we can all go get ice cream at my old job, take a picture with my former boss, that sort of thing.
and then when we're in Maryland my family can meet me at the show and we can all watch from backstage, and they can finally see first hand how all of my big risks have finally paid off. i'm no longer a silly little girl chasing after fame and fortune and the glamourous life. that i'm not a fool for moving so far and being so deep in debt. prove that despite the odds always being against me, i made it.
i think that may be the better dream. maybe i should take bigger risks and ask Jason for real.
Friday, February 17, 2012
from a bird's eye view
things have been coming up lately that i think mean someone is trying to send me a message. little things, that add up into one big message. let's review:
--Jason Mraz is hosting a photo contest that best displays what you "Won't Give Up" on. that got me to thinking, do i actually have something i won't give up on? am i that passionate about something i can take a picture of? now, me and Jason go way back. we first met when "You and I Both" played in the Starbucks i worked at around Valentine's Day. then he was reintroduced to me freshman year of Belmont when i bought Mr. A-Z. honestly, he felt like an old friend had joined me during this first independent experience of college, and his voice was a great comfort. and yeah, things that happened freshman year always seem to have the biggest impact.
all that to say, mr. mraz always catches my attention.
--a new coworker of mine, while talking about the amazing work he does with spray paint, said something akin to "whatever it is that you do that you put all your dedication and passion into, to me that is art". once again, i am dumbstruck:
what in the world am i passionate about?
i'm at a point where things are somewhat stable, working towards the ultimate goal of being independent, but to what end? i swear, this question keeps haunting me and i need to find an answer. i know that i will never personally be satisfied by making a ton of money and living large. i know i want to have the capacity to give back.
from my brief time in foster care, i saw how the system fails so many. yes, the people who work there are very caring, like my case worker Tim. i'll never forget him. he had the horrible task of eventually splitting up my sister and me. but i also saw how a lot of the foster parents were more concerned about how much money they got for having older children in their care. i was 11, and i can't even remember who told me, but apparently certain homes only took children who were teenagers because they got more money. what a horrible way to let a child know what they are worth. especially since i was rejected from homes because of my age and forced to move to a new school district. that has left its scars.
so now, i determine my worth. and i think i've been doing a disservice to myself for not valuing who i am and what i can do. i need to give MYSELF the best chance possible, in order to help other children do the same. no child should ever feel like they're not worth the hassle. so here's to an exploration of how i can use my God-given talents. it's intimidating, but i just gotta.
--Jason Mraz is hosting a photo contest that best displays what you "Won't Give Up" on. that got me to thinking, do i actually have something i won't give up on? am i that passionate about something i can take a picture of? now, me and Jason go way back. we first met when "You and I Both" played in the Starbucks i worked at around Valentine's Day. then he was reintroduced to me freshman year of Belmont when i bought Mr. A-Z. honestly, he felt like an old friend had joined me during this first independent experience of college, and his voice was a great comfort. and yeah, things that happened freshman year always seem to have the biggest impact.
all that to say, mr. mraz always catches my attention.
--a new coworker of mine, while talking about the amazing work he does with spray paint, said something akin to "whatever it is that you do that you put all your dedication and passion into, to me that is art". once again, i am dumbstruck:
what in the world am i passionate about?
i'm at a point where things are somewhat stable, working towards the ultimate goal of being independent, but to what end? i swear, this question keeps haunting me and i need to find an answer. i know that i will never personally be satisfied by making a ton of money and living large. i know i want to have the capacity to give back.
from my brief time in foster care, i saw how the system fails so many. yes, the people who work there are very caring, like my case worker Tim. i'll never forget him. he had the horrible task of eventually splitting up my sister and me. but i also saw how a lot of the foster parents were more concerned about how much money they got for having older children in their care. i was 11, and i can't even remember who told me, but apparently certain homes only took children who were teenagers because they got more money. what a horrible way to let a child know what they are worth. especially since i was rejected from homes because of my age and forced to move to a new school district. that has left its scars.
so now, i determine my worth. and i think i've been doing a disservice to myself for not valuing who i am and what i can do. i need to give MYSELF the best chance possible, in order to help other children do the same. no child should ever feel like they're not worth the hassle. so here's to an exploration of how i can use my God-given talents. it's intimidating, but i just gotta.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Something old
here is my list of regrets for 2011:
1. i wish i had taken the time to get to know my co-workers outside of work. i was so wrapped up in myself, i didn't try to make a connection with anyone. i really wish i had hung out more, talked to more, and simply made more of an effort to be a friend to the people i worked with at Mike's Ice Cream. I worked with some amazingly awesome people.
2. i wish i had been more conscience of how i treated my body and the junk food i put into it. the beginning of last year was the perfect time in my life to make the change i want to see and become healthier. instead, i now have more to fix.
3. and last, i wish i was less wishing and talking about what i wanted and more doing. i was (and still am) constantly talking about what i'd do if i won the lottery, if i only had a car, if i had an amazing dream job...i don't even have an excuse for this one, i was just afraid to try.
i wanted to make this list so i can have a clear mindset of what i've done and what i can do to change it. and then forget about it. i don't like to wallow in regrets, that just creates a fear of messing up again. and then i'd end up doing nothing. and you know what? i imagine myself as a brave person, but i don't do much to convince me of it. even though most of my life has been pretty unstable, i purposefully create that environment for myself. i don't crave stability, i enjoy the constant shifting atmosphere--as uncomfortable as things may get. even though i find myself envying those who have things i've always wanted:
a mother and father who love and care about their children and are always there for them
a childhood full of dance classes, karate lessons, hanging out with the neighborhood kids, family vacations, home videos, and stories of getting into really bad trouble that can be laughed at now
a confident nature that allows me to be myself without the debilitating fear of rejection
i still know how i want my life to be, in theory. i want to let go of the past and continue to create the life i dream of and be the person i see in my mind's eye. i think it's funny that i look in the mirror and am surprised, because that is not how i imagined myself at all. i imagine myself beautiful, confident and ambitious. but the demon hovering over me puts a girl in the mirror who doesn't have what it takes and doesn't even deserve it--it tries to tell me that's how the world sees me. i should stop looking in mirrors. instead, it's time to get going on the life i see in my mind:
working to secure my future, taking pride in every single tiny step along the way
creating memories now, taking advantage of whatever comes my way
displaying the confidence i crave, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: act confident until i become confident.
i know what i want. as soon as i stop holding myself back, i can make this happen.
1. i wish i had taken the time to get to know my co-workers outside of work. i was so wrapped up in myself, i didn't try to make a connection with anyone. i really wish i had hung out more, talked to more, and simply made more of an effort to be a friend to the people i worked with at Mike's Ice Cream. I worked with some amazingly awesome people.
2. i wish i had been more conscience of how i treated my body and the junk food i put into it. the beginning of last year was the perfect time in my life to make the change i want to see and become healthier. instead, i now have more to fix.
3. and last, i wish i was less wishing and talking about what i wanted and more doing. i was (and still am) constantly talking about what i'd do if i won the lottery, if i only had a car, if i had an amazing dream job...i don't even have an excuse for this one, i was just afraid to try.
i wanted to make this list so i can have a clear mindset of what i've done and what i can do to change it. and then forget about it. i don't like to wallow in regrets, that just creates a fear of messing up again. and then i'd end up doing nothing. and you know what? i imagine myself as a brave person, but i don't do much to convince me of it. even though most of my life has been pretty unstable, i purposefully create that environment for myself. i don't crave stability, i enjoy the constant shifting atmosphere--as uncomfortable as things may get. even though i find myself envying those who have things i've always wanted:
a mother and father who love and care about their children and are always there for them
a childhood full of dance classes, karate lessons, hanging out with the neighborhood kids, family vacations, home videos, and stories of getting into really bad trouble that can be laughed at now
a confident nature that allows me to be myself without the debilitating fear of rejection
i still know how i want my life to be, in theory. i want to let go of the past and continue to create the life i dream of and be the person i see in my mind's eye. i think it's funny that i look in the mirror and am surprised, because that is not how i imagined myself at all. i imagine myself beautiful, confident and ambitious. but the demon hovering over me puts a girl in the mirror who doesn't have what it takes and doesn't even deserve it--it tries to tell me that's how the world sees me. i should stop looking in mirrors. instead, it's time to get going on the life i see in my mind:
working to secure my future, taking pride in every single tiny step along the way
creating memories now, taking advantage of whatever comes my way
displaying the confidence i crave, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: act confident until i become confident.
i know what i want. as soon as i stop holding myself back, i can make this happen.
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