it's amazing what a change in venue does for the soul. i totally understand why people live by natural wonders like oceans and lakes, mountains and such--it's so refreshing! i spent a semester in LA, and loved going to Runyon Canyon, even though i'm a terrible hiker. It was such a gorgeous place to see, especially after it rained. i wish i had gone there more often.
since being home for Christmas, i've been able to actually think clearly. the whole "my life sucks" attitude has taken a vacay too, and i've once again found the hope i used to have for my life. the "take on the world" attitude dominates. i finally feel excited about the future again.
that feels nice. makes me smile. i never in my life thought i would have gone to the places i've been: Jamaica, college in Nashville, driving cross-country to spend a semester in LA, freakin' Grammy week, film festivals, concerts, music festivals, and now Chicago!? sometimes i can't believe it. i need to remember more often how blessed i've been. who would have thought a kid in foster care with all odds against her would have been so lucky? statistics say that based on my races and family history i should be working at some dead end job to support my three kids. statistics can shove it, i'm one in a million.
so now i'm just fighting the feelings of restlessness, lol. i'm so ready to get back and find a job that pays the rent while i work on my dream. i've decided on music lessons for now: piano, guitar, and voice. also, spanish. i've got so much i wanna learn, and plenty of time to do it. any suggestions of things to learn and do are most welcomed.
oh, and i've decided if i ever start a band, it will be Koopa Troopa. if i own a restaurant/venue, it will be Electric Avenue. we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue....
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
I wish that I knew what I knew now when I was younger
you know those movies like Family Man?
here's the basics: guy has a famous life, the life he's always dreamed of. then, something horrible happens like the death of his fiancé or not following his heart, (or in the case of Family Man, sees what his life could have been) and now he's living in a small town outside the big city with his family, forced to take a blue collar job to make ends meet. he sacrifices his career for his family. he desparately tries to regain the life he lost, only to realize by the end of the movie that his life is pretty great. oh, and they usually have some kind of spirit guide or angel telling them they're not crazy.
moral of the story: life is about relationships. it's pretty worthless if there's no one to love and share it with.
well, sometimes i wish i had a magical, mystical revelation that comes at a crossroads in my life. an angel named Clarence tells me i mustn't give up now and must turn to the road less travelled, or i'm surely headed for certain doom.
honestly, most of the time i don't feel my life to be so significant. i know deep down there's a desire in my soul to do something great. still have no idea what it is or when it would happen. but i have been wondering lately if maybe i was wrong. OR perhaps it is my perception of 'great' that is wrong..
i've always felt that the people in my life are there to push me, to guide me to that big moment in time that is mine to shine. but what if i'm just like them, and simply meant to guide someone else? is that possible when i can't shake this feeling of great destiny?
anyone who knows me well knows i am not the poster child of self-confidence. by no means do i think i'm the greatest gift to the world. but i do think there is something i must do, some great purpose i have in this world. when i was told as a child that i would not amount to anything, i don't think i ever fully believed that. i think i've always known that i'm special. and i'm constantly trying to figure out why.
Clarence, when's your cue? could you just pop in to tell me i'm not crazy?
here's the basics: guy has a famous life, the life he's always dreamed of. then, something horrible happens like the death of his fiancé or not following his heart, (or in the case of Family Man, sees what his life could have been) and now he's living in a small town outside the big city with his family, forced to take a blue collar job to make ends meet. he sacrifices his career for his family. he desparately tries to regain the life he lost, only to realize by the end of the movie that his life is pretty great. oh, and they usually have some kind of spirit guide or angel telling them they're not crazy.
moral of the story: life is about relationships. it's pretty worthless if there's no one to love and share it with.
well, sometimes i wish i had a magical, mystical revelation that comes at a crossroads in my life. an angel named Clarence tells me i mustn't give up now and must turn to the road less travelled, or i'm surely headed for certain doom.
honestly, most of the time i don't feel my life to be so significant. i know deep down there's a desire in my soul to do something great. still have no idea what it is or when it would happen. but i have been wondering lately if maybe i was wrong. OR perhaps it is my perception of 'great' that is wrong..
i've always felt that the people in my life are there to push me, to guide me to that big moment in time that is mine to shine. but what if i'm just like them, and simply meant to guide someone else? is that possible when i can't shake this feeling of great destiny?
anyone who knows me well knows i am not the poster child of self-confidence. by no means do i think i'm the greatest gift to the world. but i do think there is something i must do, some great purpose i have in this world. when i was told as a child that i would not amount to anything, i don't think i ever fully believed that. i think i've always known that i'm special. and i'm constantly trying to figure out why.
Clarence, when's your cue? could you just pop in to tell me i'm not crazy?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The Waiting Game
this is a game i play often.
stage one:
love! i apply to the "perfect" job, and spend the rest of the day dreaming about how great things will be once they call me and set up an interview, how i'll ace it, and be working within a week. i think about how i'll be able to actually have a life again and be doing something meaningful with my life.
i also do this whenever i buy a lottery ticket.
stage two:
phone stakeout. i wait the next two to three days wondering if the company is going call, constantly checking my phone and email, just in case i missed something. it's like waiting for a second date when you haven't really gone on a first one.
stage three:
did i say something wrong? i wonder if i wrote something offensive in my cover letter or my resume was unclear.
stage four:
about a week has past. oh yeah, i'm waiting for something? well, guess it's not gonna work.
three days later, repeat. this has been going on for about four months, off and on. two of those months i actually had a job and a decent income. but this is the game we play, right? those of us who are looking for perfection and can't make up our minds. all with the hope that it'll pay off. like being the first one to land on free parking after an hour of playing. now that, that feels good. let's hope i win this game.
stage one:
love! i apply to the "perfect" job, and spend the rest of the day dreaming about how great things will be once they call me and set up an interview, how i'll ace it, and be working within a week. i think about how i'll be able to actually have a life again and be doing something meaningful with my life.
i also do this whenever i buy a lottery ticket.
stage two:
phone stakeout. i wait the next two to three days wondering if the company is going call, constantly checking my phone and email, just in case i missed something. it's like waiting for a second date when you haven't really gone on a first one.
stage three:
did i say something wrong? i wonder if i wrote something offensive in my cover letter or my resume was unclear.
stage four:
about a week has past. oh yeah, i'm waiting for something? well, guess it's not gonna work.
three days later, repeat. this has been going on for about four months, off and on. two of those months i actually had a job and a decent income. but this is the game we play, right? those of us who are looking for perfection and can't make up our minds. all with the hope that it'll pay off. like being the first one to land on free parking after an hour of playing. now that, that feels good. let's hope i win this game.
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