Electric Avenue

it's amazing what a change in venue does for the soul. i totally understand why people live by natural wonders like oceans and lakes, mountains and such--it's so refreshing! i spent a semester in LA, and loved going to Runyon Canyon, even though i'm a terrible hiker. It was such a gorgeous place to see, especially after it rained. i wish i had gone there more often. 


since being home for Christmas, i've been able to actually think clearly. the whole "my life sucks" attitude has taken a vacay too, and i've once again found the hope i used to have for my life. the "take on the world" attitude dominates. i finally feel excited about the future again. 


that feels nice. makes me smile. i never in my life thought i would have gone to the places i've been: Jamaica, college in Nashville, driving cross-country to spend a semester in LA, freakin' Grammy week, film festivals, concerts, music festivals, and now Chicago!? sometimes i can't believe it. i need to remember more often how blessed i've been. who would have thought a kid in foster care with all odds against her would have been so lucky? statistics say that based on my races and family history i should be working at some dead end job to support my three kids. statistics can shove it, i'm one in a million. 


so now i'm just fighting the feelings of restlessness, lol. i'm so ready to get back and find a job that pays the rent while i work on my dream. i've decided on music lessons for now: piano, guitar, and voice. also, spanish. i've got so much i wanna learn, and plenty of time to do it. any suggestions of things to learn and do are most welcomed. 


oh, and i've decided if i ever start a band, it will be Koopa Troopa. if i own a restaurant/venue, it will be Electric Avenue. we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue....

I wish that I knew what I knew now when I was younger

you know those movies like Family Man? 


here's the basics: guy has a famous life, the life he's always dreamed of. then, something horrible happens like the death of his fiancé or not following his heart, (or in the case of Family Man, sees what his life could have been) and now he's living in a small town outside the big city with his family, forced to take a blue collar job to make ends meet. he sacrifices his career for his family. he desparately tries to regain the life he lost, only to realize by the end of the movie that his life is pretty great. oh, and they usually have some kind of spirit guide or angel telling them they're not crazy.


moral of the story: life is about relationships. it's pretty worthless if there's no one to love and share it with. 


well, sometimes i wish i had a magical, mystical revelation that comes at a crossroads in my life. an angel named Clarence tells me i mustn't give up now and must turn to the road less travelled, or i'm surely headed for certain doom.  


honestly, most of the time i don't feel my life to be so significant. i know deep down there's a desire in my soul to do something great. still have no idea what it is or when it would happen. but i have been wondering lately if maybe i was wrong. OR perhaps it is my perception of 'great' that is wrong..


i've always felt that the people in my life are there to push me, to guide me to that big moment in time that is mine to shine. but what if i'm just like them, and simply meant to guide someone else? is that possible when i can't shake this feeling of great destiny? 


anyone who knows me well knows i am not the poster child of self-confidence. by no means do i think i'm the greatest gift to the world. but i do think there is something i must do, some great purpose i have in this world. when i was told as a child that i would not amount to anything, i don't think i ever fully believed that. i think i've always known that i'm special. and i'm constantly trying to figure out why. 


Clarence, when's your cue? could you just pop in to tell me i'm not crazy?

The Waiting Game

this is a game i play often.


stage one:
love! i apply to the "perfect" job, and spend the rest of the day dreaming about how great things will be once they call me and set up an interview, how i'll ace it, and be working within a week. i think about how i'll be able to actually have a life again and be doing something meaningful with my life. 
i also do this whenever i buy a lottery ticket. 


stage two:
phone stakeout. i wait the next two to three days wondering if the company is going call, constantly checking my phone and email, just in case i missed something. it's like waiting for a second date when you haven't really gone on a first one. 


stage three:
did i say something wrong? i wonder if i wrote something offensive in my cover letter or my resume was unclear. 


stage four: 
about a week has past. oh yeah, i'm waiting for something? well, guess it's not gonna work. 


three days later, repeat. this has been going on for about four months, off and on. two of those months i actually had a job and a decent income. but this is the game we play, right? those of us who are looking for perfection and can't make up our minds. all with the hope that it'll pay off. like being the first one to land on  free parking after an hour of playing. now that, that feels good. let's hope i win this game. 

Sometimes i wish..but.

sometimes i wish my boyfriend and i didn't move to chicago last summer and instead stayed in nashville, tn.
but then we wouldn't have taken the opportunity to escape our comfort zone and be forced to create lives we have a better chance at being happy in.

sometimes i wish i went to community college my first two years to save money. 

but i wouldn't trade my freshmen year for anything, because it was the best year of my life. besides, that was the year i met my lovey. 

sometimes i wish i chose a career with a steadier climate, like something in healthcare or finance; instead of the entertainment industry.
but then i would not have had the amazing opportunities i've had so far, like working at film festivals, the Grammy and CMT awards; living in LA for a few months without upheaving my entire life; nor would i  have met the incredible people i know.

sometimes i wish i had a mother and father who actually cared about me and my siblings before we realized we no longer need them in our lives.
but sadly, they have set the example of exactly what i DON'T want for my future family. My husband and children will never feel unloved.

sometimes i wish i could be happy with a mediocre life--it sure is a hell of a lot easier.
but i know it's too late for that.

sometimes i wish i could stop getting in my own way and just allow myself to feel the freedom i have now and enjoy it.
but i know it's easier to wish for something than to actually do it.

sometimes it's time to stop wishing.
no buts. 

Life is like a vacuum...

i recently read in an article off of yahoo about how the gen-Yers are referred to as the "My Life Sucks" generation. know why? cause we complain. about everything. like the enormous debt recent grads are in, the lack of decent jobs to pay for student loans, but mostly how hard it is going to be to get that so-called American Dream: homeowner, debt-free, able to take family vacations, and spend a small fortune every holiday season on our loved ones. we are cursed--cursed with the inability to settle for less. our parents wanted a better life for us, and a lot of us got it. well, most parents wanted that. some, like mine, handed their kids off another family. 


at least that's how i feel. which is why i want more than what i had growing up. i can't remember a time when we weren't struggling to pay for something. sure, things would stable for a while, but there was always something that came up and drained the savings. growing up with a little less made me appreciate everything I have of course, and i've learned how to live lean. but i want more for the future. i want to be able to give back to those who have helped me through the years. and i need to prove that i can do more than what was expected of me. that is my biggest motivator.


i think i was about 9 or 10 years old. my step-grandmother and i were the only ones home that saturday afternoon. i believe i was finishing up the dishes (the dishes were my household chore since I was 7), and must have put something away wrong or some other stupid, insignificant mistake. All of a sudden, she's yelling at me. again. this was before i learned i had a voice of my own, so i just stood there memorizing patterns in the cracked tile flooring. after nearly 5 years of this, i had learned to tune her out, which just made her yell longer.  But she got my attention with this line:


"If you keep up with behavior like this, I'd be surprised if you make it to age 16." 


here i was thinking i just did the dishes wrong, and now i'm finding out this may lead to death? what kind of bomb is this to drop on a 10 year old? i was reminded about this premonition all the way up to her placing my sister and me in foster care a few months later. she supported it by making me read magazine articles about teenagers who were homeless and had everything they owned in a black trash bag. she reinforced her dream for me by making my sister and i use trash bags to carry our stuff to the foster care agency. 


i was not a bad kid, i did every tedious task she asked of me. nothing was ever enough. she was impossible to please. i considered it a good day if she had nothing to say to me. and i could never figure out why she hated me so much. 


so that is MY motivator. 
i see nothing wrong with wanting a better life for me and my future family. 
i see nothing wrong with proving her wrong. 


yes, life kinda sucks right now. i'm between jobs, in an insane amount of debt, not living on my own, without a car, and i am still struggling with what i actually want to do with my life. i have such a deep fear of failure. but my sister told me something the other day, 


"You only fail when you stop trying."


so that's the hope for the day: keep trying. do NOT let those who want you to fail control what you do today. it's your life, your call.