It surprised me the other day to realize that I am entering my 18th year of being a dishwasher. I started younger than most, at age 6. Upon entering a new household with my evil step-grandmother and her three daughters, I was given the entry-level position of "dish-dryer" under my sister the "dish-washer", which allowed me to see the proper way to wash as well as the location of all the dishes.
One year and several broken dishes later, I was promoted to "dish-washer", and my sister was demoted to dish-dryer. So I took my step-stool over to the other side of the counter and continued my training. So far, I only worked the after-dinner rush, while the rest of the family convened for the evening's entertainment. But soon after I turned 8, I was given the privilege of not only the "dish-washer" and "dish-dryer", but the breakfast, after school, and dinner shifts. So for the next 4 years, I washed dishes before school, after school, and after dinner--sometimes an occasional dessert shift was thrown in. As you can assume, leaving that home meant leaving the position, but I still keep up with my trade in my current line of work.
Needless to say, washing dishes is in the Top 5 of my least favorite activities that I must do each day. Much to the disappoint of my patient boyfriend, the dishes at home, more often than not, stay in the sink. But let this story be a lesson in this truth I have found: being good at something doesn't mean it's what you're meant to do. I might be tempted to burn my hands in scalding, soapy water if I had to wash the rest of my life. I would like to lose the acidic taste in my mouth that comes at the thought of washing dishes, but it can't be avoided. Dishes are dirtied, they must be washed. If anything, it allows me the time to think of all the other things I'd rather do, and make plans to throw in the dish towel.
It's also a lesson in keeping the peace by doing what you're told. As a child, what choice do you have? But as an adult, is it always necessary to keep the peace, to maintain the status quo? I have big dreams and big goals, none of which involve standing at a sink. So the peace will be disturbed as I continue following my dreams. I know this, and others are just going to have to suck it up and get their hands wet when I've moved on. In the meantime, I stare at my dry hands and ruined cuticles to remind me of how far I've already come.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I wish I could make you smile
Even though a lot has happened in the past few months, there are still things to do on my list. One of them being to develop the ability to make people smile. I would love to posses the skill to start turning a bad day around and help people see they have a lot to smile about. but that is still a skill I need to perfect in myself. and honestly, it's not hard to see at the moment everything I can smile about:
--Moved from Chicagoland to Burbank, CA three months ago
--Started at Warner Bros. a month and a half ago, and I love it
--Going to an amazing concert in a month for free for helping a great cause
--Realizing that I have a lot of potential and a lot to contribute to this world
That last one has been a long time coming. but I'm finally starting to see myself as others do, and valuing myself--instead of seeing the messed--up little girl with the world against her. Even though there are still issues to be dealt with, life is pretty great right now. And I'm really looking to see how I can give back to the universe around me. So now I work on making people smile :)
--Moved from Chicagoland to Burbank, CA three months ago
--Started at Warner Bros. a month and a half ago, and I love it
--Going to an amazing concert in a month for free for helping a great cause
--Realizing that I have a lot of potential and a lot to contribute to this world
That last one has been a long time coming. but I'm finally starting to see myself as others do, and valuing myself--instead of seeing the messed--up little girl with the world against her. Even though there are still issues to be dealt with, life is pretty great right now. And I'm really looking to see how I can give back to the universe around me. So now I work on making people smile :)
Friday, April 6, 2012
take a chance take a chance
there are a few things in my life that give me butterflies in my belly. and the fact that they are reoccurring just adds to the excitement. here's the most recent one.
the mere IDEA of going on tour with Jason Mraz.
at first, i heard about the tour and was searching for tickets. then i saw that he goes from Nashville to Maryland, two places that used to be home. and that sparks the idea of working on the tour, doing whatever i can to be a part of the production.
i started thinking of how my request would go,
"Hey Jason, I was wondering if you needed any more help on the US tour? Yeah, i don't have any specific skills, but i'm super helpful and willing to fill whatever roles you need. Oh, and can my boyfriend and our dog come too? they're super nice, my boyfriend's great with numbers and our dog is the sweetest in the world. Yeah, so you'll let me know?"
that would be the absolute greatest dream come true. like winning the lottery, but being paid in life experiences rather than cash.
then i started thinking about how when we're on tour and stop in Nashville, we can all go get ice cream at my old job, take a picture with my former boss, that sort of thing.
and then when we're in Maryland my family can meet me at the show and we can all watch from backstage, and they can finally see first hand how all of my big risks have finally paid off. i'm no longer a silly little girl chasing after fame and fortune and the glamourous life. that i'm not a fool for moving so far and being so deep in debt. prove that despite the odds always being against me, i made it.
i think that may be the better dream. maybe i should take bigger risks and ask Jason for real.
the mere IDEA of going on tour with Jason Mraz.
at first, i heard about the tour and was searching for tickets. then i saw that he goes from Nashville to Maryland, two places that used to be home. and that sparks the idea of working on the tour, doing whatever i can to be a part of the production.
i started thinking of how my request would go,
"Hey Jason, I was wondering if you needed any more help on the US tour? Yeah, i don't have any specific skills, but i'm super helpful and willing to fill whatever roles you need. Oh, and can my boyfriend and our dog come too? they're super nice, my boyfriend's great with numbers and our dog is the sweetest in the world. Yeah, so you'll let me know?"
that would be the absolute greatest dream come true. like winning the lottery, but being paid in life experiences rather than cash.
then i started thinking about how when we're on tour and stop in Nashville, we can all go get ice cream at my old job, take a picture with my former boss, that sort of thing.
and then when we're in Maryland my family can meet me at the show and we can all watch from backstage, and they can finally see first hand how all of my big risks have finally paid off. i'm no longer a silly little girl chasing after fame and fortune and the glamourous life. that i'm not a fool for moving so far and being so deep in debt. prove that despite the odds always being against me, i made it.
i think that may be the better dream. maybe i should take bigger risks and ask Jason for real.
Friday, February 17, 2012
from a bird's eye view
things have been coming up lately that i think mean someone is trying to send me a message. little things, that add up into one big message. let's review:
--Jason Mraz is hosting a photo contest that best displays what you "Won't Give Up" on. that got me to thinking, do i actually have something i won't give up on? am i that passionate about something i can take a picture of? now, me and Jason go way back. we first met when "You and I Both" played in the Starbucks i worked at around Valentine's Day. then he was reintroduced to me freshman year of Belmont when i bought Mr. A-Z. honestly, he felt like an old friend had joined me during this first independent experience of college, and his voice was a great comfort. and yeah, things that happened freshman year always seem to have the biggest impact.
all that to say, mr. mraz always catches my attention.
--a new coworker of mine, while talking about the amazing work he does with spray paint, said something akin to "whatever it is that you do that you put all your dedication and passion into, to me that is art". once again, i am dumbstruck:
what in the world am i passionate about?
i'm at a point where things are somewhat stable, working towards the ultimate goal of being independent, but to what end? i swear, this question keeps haunting me and i need to find an answer. i know that i will never personally be satisfied by making a ton of money and living large. i know i want to have the capacity to give back.
from my brief time in foster care, i saw how the system fails so many. yes, the people who work there are very caring, like my case worker Tim. i'll never forget him. he had the horrible task of eventually splitting up my sister and me. but i also saw how a lot of the foster parents were more concerned about how much money they got for having older children in their care. i was 11, and i can't even remember who told me, but apparently certain homes only took children who were teenagers because they got more money. what a horrible way to let a child know what they are worth. especially since i was rejected from homes because of my age and forced to move to a new school district. that has left its scars.
so now, i determine my worth. and i think i've been doing a disservice to myself for not valuing who i am and what i can do. i need to give MYSELF the best chance possible, in order to help other children do the same. no child should ever feel like they're not worth the hassle. so here's to an exploration of how i can use my God-given talents. it's intimidating, but i just gotta.
--Jason Mraz is hosting a photo contest that best displays what you "Won't Give Up" on. that got me to thinking, do i actually have something i won't give up on? am i that passionate about something i can take a picture of? now, me and Jason go way back. we first met when "You and I Both" played in the Starbucks i worked at around Valentine's Day. then he was reintroduced to me freshman year of Belmont when i bought Mr. A-Z. honestly, he felt like an old friend had joined me during this first independent experience of college, and his voice was a great comfort. and yeah, things that happened freshman year always seem to have the biggest impact.
all that to say, mr. mraz always catches my attention.
--a new coworker of mine, while talking about the amazing work he does with spray paint, said something akin to "whatever it is that you do that you put all your dedication and passion into, to me that is art". once again, i am dumbstruck:
what in the world am i passionate about?
i'm at a point where things are somewhat stable, working towards the ultimate goal of being independent, but to what end? i swear, this question keeps haunting me and i need to find an answer. i know that i will never personally be satisfied by making a ton of money and living large. i know i want to have the capacity to give back.
from my brief time in foster care, i saw how the system fails so many. yes, the people who work there are very caring, like my case worker Tim. i'll never forget him. he had the horrible task of eventually splitting up my sister and me. but i also saw how a lot of the foster parents were more concerned about how much money they got for having older children in their care. i was 11, and i can't even remember who told me, but apparently certain homes only took children who were teenagers because they got more money. what a horrible way to let a child know what they are worth. especially since i was rejected from homes because of my age and forced to move to a new school district. that has left its scars.
so now, i determine my worth. and i think i've been doing a disservice to myself for not valuing who i am and what i can do. i need to give MYSELF the best chance possible, in order to help other children do the same. no child should ever feel like they're not worth the hassle. so here's to an exploration of how i can use my God-given talents. it's intimidating, but i just gotta.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Something old
here is my list of regrets for 2011:
1. i wish i had taken the time to get to know my co-workers outside of work. i was so wrapped up in myself, i didn't try to make a connection with anyone. i really wish i had hung out more, talked to more, and simply made more of an effort to be a friend to the people i worked with at Mike's Ice Cream. I worked with some amazingly awesome people.
2. i wish i had been more conscience of how i treated my body and the junk food i put into it. the beginning of last year was the perfect time in my life to make the change i want to see and become healthier. instead, i now have more to fix.
3. and last, i wish i was less wishing and talking about what i wanted and more doing. i was (and still am) constantly talking about what i'd do if i won the lottery, if i only had a car, if i had an amazing dream job...i don't even have an excuse for this one, i was just afraid to try.
i wanted to make this list so i can have a clear mindset of what i've done and what i can do to change it. and then forget about it. i don't like to wallow in regrets, that just creates a fear of messing up again. and then i'd end up doing nothing. and you know what? i imagine myself as a brave person, but i don't do much to convince me of it. even though most of my life has been pretty unstable, i purposefully create that environment for myself. i don't crave stability, i enjoy the constant shifting atmosphere--as uncomfortable as things may get. even though i find myself envying those who have things i've always wanted:
a mother and father who love and care about their children and are always there for them
a childhood full of dance classes, karate lessons, hanging out with the neighborhood kids, family vacations, home videos, and stories of getting into really bad trouble that can be laughed at now
a confident nature that allows me to be myself without the debilitating fear of rejection
i still know how i want my life to be, in theory. i want to let go of the past and continue to create the life i dream of and be the person i see in my mind's eye. i think it's funny that i look in the mirror and am surprised, because that is not how i imagined myself at all. i imagine myself beautiful, confident and ambitious. but the demon hovering over me puts a girl in the mirror who doesn't have what it takes and doesn't even deserve it--it tries to tell me that's how the world sees me. i should stop looking in mirrors. instead, it's time to get going on the life i see in my mind:
working to secure my future, taking pride in every single tiny step along the way
creating memories now, taking advantage of whatever comes my way
displaying the confidence i crave, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: act confident until i become confident.
i know what i want. as soon as i stop holding myself back, i can make this happen.
1. i wish i had taken the time to get to know my co-workers outside of work. i was so wrapped up in myself, i didn't try to make a connection with anyone. i really wish i had hung out more, talked to more, and simply made more of an effort to be a friend to the people i worked with at Mike's Ice Cream. I worked with some amazingly awesome people.
2. i wish i had been more conscience of how i treated my body and the junk food i put into it. the beginning of last year was the perfect time in my life to make the change i want to see and become healthier. instead, i now have more to fix.
3. and last, i wish i was less wishing and talking about what i wanted and more doing. i was (and still am) constantly talking about what i'd do if i won the lottery, if i only had a car, if i had an amazing dream job...i don't even have an excuse for this one, i was just afraid to try.
i wanted to make this list so i can have a clear mindset of what i've done and what i can do to change it. and then forget about it. i don't like to wallow in regrets, that just creates a fear of messing up again. and then i'd end up doing nothing. and you know what? i imagine myself as a brave person, but i don't do much to convince me of it. even though most of my life has been pretty unstable, i purposefully create that environment for myself. i don't crave stability, i enjoy the constant shifting atmosphere--as uncomfortable as things may get. even though i find myself envying those who have things i've always wanted:
a mother and father who love and care about their children and are always there for them
a childhood full of dance classes, karate lessons, hanging out with the neighborhood kids, family vacations, home videos, and stories of getting into really bad trouble that can be laughed at now
a confident nature that allows me to be myself without the debilitating fear of rejection
i still know how i want my life to be, in theory. i want to let go of the past and continue to create the life i dream of and be the person i see in my mind's eye. i think it's funny that i look in the mirror and am surprised, because that is not how i imagined myself at all. i imagine myself beautiful, confident and ambitious. but the demon hovering over me puts a girl in the mirror who doesn't have what it takes and doesn't even deserve it--it tries to tell me that's how the world sees me. i should stop looking in mirrors. instead, it's time to get going on the life i see in my mind:
working to secure my future, taking pride in every single tiny step along the way
creating memories now, taking advantage of whatever comes my way
displaying the confidence i crave, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: act confident until i become confident.
i know what i want. as soon as i stop holding myself back, i can make this happen.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Electric Avenue
it's amazing what a change in venue does for the soul. i totally understand why people live by natural wonders like oceans and lakes, mountains and such--it's so refreshing! i spent a semester in LA, and loved going to Runyon Canyon, even though i'm a terrible hiker. It was such a gorgeous place to see, especially after it rained. i wish i had gone there more often.
since being home for Christmas, i've been able to actually think clearly. the whole "my life sucks" attitude has taken a vacay too, and i've once again found the hope i used to have for my life. the "take on the world" attitude dominates. i finally feel excited about the future again.
that feels nice. makes me smile. i never in my life thought i would have gone to the places i've been: Jamaica, college in Nashville, driving cross-country to spend a semester in LA, freakin' Grammy week, film festivals, concerts, music festivals, and now Chicago!? sometimes i can't believe it. i need to remember more often how blessed i've been. who would have thought a kid in foster care with all odds against her would have been so lucky? statistics say that based on my races and family history i should be working at some dead end job to support my three kids. statistics can shove it, i'm one in a million.
so now i'm just fighting the feelings of restlessness, lol. i'm so ready to get back and find a job that pays the rent while i work on my dream. i've decided on music lessons for now: piano, guitar, and voice. also, spanish. i've got so much i wanna learn, and plenty of time to do it. any suggestions of things to learn and do are most welcomed.
oh, and i've decided if i ever start a band, it will be Koopa Troopa. if i own a restaurant/venue, it will be Electric Avenue. we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue....
since being home for Christmas, i've been able to actually think clearly. the whole "my life sucks" attitude has taken a vacay too, and i've once again found the hope i used to have for my life. the "take on the world" attitude dominates. i finally feel excited about the future again.
that feels nice. makes me smile. i never in my life thought i would have gone to the places i've been: Jamaica, college in Nashville, driving cross-country to spend a semester in LA, freakin' Grammy week, film festivals, concerts, music festivals, and now Chicago!? sometimes i can't believe it. i need to remember more often how blessed i've been. who would have thought a kid in foster care with all odds against her would have been so lucky? statistics say that based on my races and family history i should be working at some dead end job to support my three kids. statistics can shove it, i'm one in a million.
so now i'm just fighting the feelings of restlessness, lol. i'm so ready to get back and find a job that pays the rent while i work on my dream. i've decided on music lessons for now: piano, guitar, and voice. also, spanish. i've got so much i wanna learn, and plenty of time to do it. any suggestions of things to learn and do are most welcomed.
oh, and i've decided if i ever start a band, it will be Koopa Troopa. if i own a restaurant/venue, it will be Electric Avenue. we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue....
Monday, December 12, 2011
I wish that I knew what I knew now when I was younger
you know those movies like Family Man?
here's the basics: guy has a famous life, the life he's always dreamed of. then, something horrible happens like the death of his fiancé or not following his heart, (or in the case of Family Man, sees what his life could have been) and now he's living in a small town outside the big city with his family, forced to take a blue collar job to make ends meet. he sacrifices his career for his family. he desparately tries to regain the life he lost, only to realize by the end of the movie that his life is pretty great. oh, and they usually have some kind of spirit guide or angel telling them they're not crazy.
moral of the story: life is about relationships. it's pretty worthless if there's no one to love and share it with.
well, sometimes i wish i had a magical, mystical revelation that comes at a crossroads in my life. an angel named Clarence tells me i mustn't give up now and must turn to the road less travelled, or i'm surely headed for certain doom.
honestly, most of the time i don't feel my life to be so significant. i know deep down there's a desire in my soul to do something great. still have no idea what it is or when it would happen. but i have been wondering lately if maybe i was wrong. OR perhaps it is my perception of 'great' that is wrong..
i've always felt that the people in my life are there to push me, to guide me to that big moment in time that is mine to shine. but what if i'm just like them, and simply meant to guide someone else? is that possible when i can't shake this feeling of great destiny?
anyone who knows me well knows i am not the poster child of self-confidence. by no means do i think i'm the greatest gift to the world. but i do think there is something i must do, some great purpose i have in this world. when i was told as a child that i would not amount to anything, i don't think i ever fully believed that. i think i've always known that i'm special. and i'm constantly trying to figure out why.
Clarence, when's your cue? could you just pop in to tell me i'm not crazy?
here's the basics: guy has a famous life, the life he's always dreamed of. then, something horrible happens like the death of his fiancé or not following his heart, (or in the case of Family Man, sees what his life could have been) and now he's living in a small town outside the big city with his family, forced to take a blue collar job to make ends meet. he sacrifices his career for his family. he desparately tries to regain the life he lost, only to realize by the end of the movie that his life is pretty great. oh, and they usually have some kind of spirit guide or angel telling them they're not crazy.
moral of the story: life is about relationships. it's pretty worthless if there's no one to love and share it with.
well, sometimes i wish i had a magical, mystical revelation that comes at a crossroads in my life. an angel named Clarence tells me i mustn't give up now and must turn to the road less travelled, or i'm surely headed for certain doom.
honestly, most of the time i don't feel my life to be so significant. i know deep down there's a desire in my soul to do something great. still have no idea what it is or when it would happen. but i have been wondering lately if maybe i was wrong. OR perhaps it is my perception of 'great' that is wrong..
i've always felt that the people in my life are there to push me, to guide me to that big moment in time that is mine to shine. but what if i'm just like them, and simply meant to guide someone else? is that possible when i can't shake this feeling of great destiny?
anyone who knows me well knows i am not the poster child of self-confidence. by no means do i think i'm the greatest gift to the world. but i do think there is something i must do, some great purpose i have in this world. when i was told as a child that i would not amount to anything, i don't think i ever fully believed that. i think i've always known that i'm special. and i'm constantly trying to figure out why.
Clarence, when's your cue? could you just pop in to tell me i'm not crazy?
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